


All My Life Returns to You

by Cicerothewriter



Category: Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Religion, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-06
Updated: 2012-11-06
Packaged: 2017-11-18 02:57:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/556111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cicerothewriter/pseuds/Cicerothewriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lawrence is given another chance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All My Life Returns to You

**Author's Note:**

> When I originally wrote this back in May of 2003, I was thinking about at which point a change might have created the most benefit and the greatest happiness. I also don't know how I feel about the device I used to create the opportunity for Lawrence to go back and correct his mistake. I may continue this, but I haven't decided for sure.
> 
> The title comes from the wonderful June Tabor song, "Akaba."

There was just darkness, nothing but darkness. He sighed in relief, and allowed himself to fall back into the cool softness of emptiness. There were regrets...

Oh yes, many regrets.

But they seemed inconsequential compared to the final rest that he had been awaiting for so long.

While his body had been alive, his mind had merely existed, fractured beyond what could be repaired in a lifetime.

Still, the recollection of rich brown eyes and loving caresses made him sigh in pain.

Someone or something seemed to speak to him. "If you had the chance, would you go back, and change something? A single word? A decision? An action?"

Lawrence thought about it. "Yes, I would," he said. "If I could convince myself that it was worth the pain of living again."

"What if I could guarantee to you that, if you made the right choice, you would get what you desired most?"

"What I desire most?" Lawrence asked, his mind almost boggling at the idea.

He knew that the entity nodded although he could not see it; he could feel the presence move the darkness about him. It felt like a nod.

"It certainly would not be an easy life, and you could still make mistakes that would cost you your dreams, but... with the knowledge that you have obtained from your previous experiences, you should fair much better this time."

"Are you truly offering this to me?" Lawrence asked. "You should understand that I doubt everything but your presence."

"You think that I am god?"

"Yes," Lawrence replied.

"Well, yes, I suppose I am. Although it is more complicated than that."

Lawrence merely nodded in understanding. Things were usually more complicated than one could imagine.

"I am offering this chance to you, a chance very few people have ever received, because of the death of another."

"The death of another? Who?"

"Whom do you think?" the entity asked.

There was a long pause.

"Oh sweet lord, no," Lawrence replied, forgetting in that moment that he was in the presence of the lord itself.

"I'll excuse that one this time. It was very shocking news."

"Sorry," Lawrence replied, sounding nothing of the sort.

"Hrumph," the entity replied.

"Sherif Ali is dead," Lawrence said, feeling as though the darkness around him was no longer empty and welcoming but cloying with hot tears.

"Yes."

"He did not..."

"No, he lived a long life, and died a natural death."

"Good," Lawrence replied, thinking of Ali's strong religious beliefs.

"His last thought was of you, Lawrence. You often occupied his mind, especially after your death. He had to live with these same regrets for much longer than you."

Lawrence nodded, unable to speak through the tightness in his throat.

"I don't say this to make you feel guilt, Lawrence. I say this so that you understand a bit more of what happened before you leave."

"Thank you," Lawrence replied.

"Now, before you go, I will tell you this. Don't be afraid if you get sudden, what's the word, flashes of insight. They are merely to assist you if you… stray."

"Do I still have free will?"

"Of course."

There was some more silence.

"Don't expect me to become extraordinarily religious when I'm sent back," Lawrence said a bit petulantly.

"I would not dream of such a thing," the entity replied, as if the very thought had not crossed his mind. "You would not be Lawrence or El Aurens if you were."

Lawrence felt the sincerity flowing from the entity before him, and it brought a strange lightness to his being. To think, God loved him the way that he was...

"Never doubt that, Lawrence. Never doubt that."

Lawrence heard the voice grow dimmer as his limbs grew heavy, and began to sting with renewed life.

"If you ever need any help, you know where to find me," Lawrence heard as the pain grew almost mind-erasing.

Suddenly he became aware of what his body had been doing decades earlier. His consciousness was being gradually poured into the movements of his previous self. He was allowed to acclimatize before he took over.

He was in Akaba. There were fires and shouts all around him. He was standing in front of a broken telegraph, picking gingerly at the smashed pieces. Faraj and Daud - gloriously alive - were next to him. Sherif Ali was looking around at the fighting outside.

Lawrence was astounded.

He heard his former self say, "That's a pity."

Ali came closer, and Lawrence was nearly overwhelmed by his presence.

"Ali," he heard himself say, "you get a message down the coast to Yenbo. Tell Feisal to find boats, any boats, and bring the Arab army here to Akaba quickly."

Ali's eyes filled with confusion and disbelief. "And you?" Ali asked.

Lawrence rolled up all of the papers that he could find, and shoved them into his belt. "I'm going to tell the generals in Cairo," he replied.

Lawrence could feel the eagerness of his former self, the belief that they had won and that he needed to leave as soon as possible. Lawrence remembered that at that time the most important objective to him was to go to General Murray, and shove his triumph into the man's smug face. Lawrence felt shame that he had forgotten who was more important: the three men surrounding him.

"Yes, cross Sinai," his former self continued, pushing past a stunned Ali.

Lawrence motioned for Daud and Faraj. "Come on!"

"Sinai?" Ali exclaimed, following him.

"Yes," Lawrence replied, smiling.

"With these?" Ali asked, referring to the two young men.

Lawrence just looked at them, and smiled. "They'll be all right with me," he assured Ali.

Lawrence felt himself wince as he heard those words come out of his mouth. Hubris, he thought, I must guard myself against hubris.

Faraj and Daud smiled back. Lawrence motioned them forward, and they ran past him to their camels.

Lawrence stopped once he realized that Ali was no longer next to him. He turned to see Ali standing forlorn several steps behind him. Lawrence was surprised at the hardness of Ali's face. Only his dark eyes gave away his pain.

Lawrence walked back to Ali, seeking to reassure him. "Look, Ali," he grabbed one of the leather straps on Ali's chest. His fingers brushed against his chest, seeking the beat of his heart, and finding it pounding nervously.

I know why he is upset, Lawrence thought. I wish I had figured it out then.

"If any of your Bedouin arrived in Cairo and said, 'We've taken Akaba,' the generals would laugh."

Ali's chin rose; his pride was wounded. Lawrence could see that now. "I see. In Cairo you will put off these funny clothes. You will wear trousers, and tell stories of our quaintness and barbarity, and then they will believe you."

It felt like a slap in the face, and for a moment Lawrence's former mind went blank. It was then that full awareness and control was granted to him.

 

Ali was aware suddenly that something had changed, although he could not realize then how accurate he was. Lawrence's blue eyes went even wider, and the softness of understanding entered them.

"Come with me, Ali," Lawrence said, voice gentle.

Ali was confused at the swift change of their conversation. "What about Prince Feisal at Yenbo?"

Lawrence shook his head slightly. His fingers caressed the cloth-covered skin beneath where his hand had remained, clutching at the leather. "Majid can go to him with the information. I need you to come with me."

"Why?" Ali said harshly.

Lawrence's eyes half closed in thought. He could not be as blunt as he wanted to be. He had to wait until the appropriate moment. "I need you," he said, finally opening his eyes to look at Ali.

Ali's face was no longer harsh and forbidding, but gentle and filled with hope. One of Ali’s hands covered his which still clutched at Ali’s leather belt, and his other reached out to Lawrence.

Lawrence nearly cried out when Ali touched his cheek - this had been so much missed. He had been missed.

"I will go with you," he said.

The entity smiled from where he existed, namely, everywhere.


End file.
